So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize