R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
