Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
