The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
