He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
