Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
