The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
