I accidentally had phone sex last night
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
