i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize