dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
