i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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