I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
