You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
