What did we do last night that was yellow?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
