I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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