Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
