I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
