If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
