1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
