4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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