So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize