Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
