I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
