he shaved USA in his pubs
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
