a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
