i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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