had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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