you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
