Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
