I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
