My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
