Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
