my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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