I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
