so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize