Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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