dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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