I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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