it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There r osticjed everywhere
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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