I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
