nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
