Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
