quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
