so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
