No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
