Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
