It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
