i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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