im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
