Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize