Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
