Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
