Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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