hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
