We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
