wrigley field is MILF paradise
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize