Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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