Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
