so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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